Being funny is hard.

I don't think people understand how hard it is to be funny. Its like trying to make a gay person straight. Speaking of gay people, did you know Adam Lambert was gay? I always thought he was just the female Lady GaGa. Anyway I'm getting sidetracked.

But its hard being funny. George Lopez struggles with it every weeknight at 11. I honestly don't give a rats dick about what Mexian's do that American's don't. I think its time for me to take sometime out of my normal blog to post my favorite racist jokes.

What is the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?

One can raise a child.

What do you call a Mexican with a new car?

A felon

Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot?

50 Mexicans died

Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place?

Because their dads built it and their mom clean it.

Why cant mexicans play uno?

Because they always steal the green card

What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?

steal a chicken

2 mexicans are in a car, who is driving?

A cop

OK; I'm done being racist. Plus i got a gang of Mexicans outside of my door and their not carrying garden tools.

Two Fingers and a broken condom

Maybe no one reads this....

Its been about a forever ago since i wrote on this blog. I remember when i first started it. My goal was to be the straight Perez Hilton but thats utterly impossible since he's gay as sin. Probably no one will ever see this post. I kinda feel like that singer who thought he was cool and released an album and found out nobody wants to buy his shit. But that doesn't matter. I won't do it for fame or publicity, but for myself and the deaf Asian kids of the USA.

My goal is to get clitterdick in the hearts of every normal clitted girl in the world. And maybe thats a bit ambitious, but hell Chris Brown was ambitious enough to release an album 10 months after the "incident". So I guess what I'm saying is that I'll be returning to blog to keep myself entertained instead of watching hot sexy midget porn.

Two Fingers and a turkey baster used to extract sperm from a condom.

Lost Faith in Trending Topics

(Serious Blog)

Yesterday, there was this girl on twitter who's name was 05starbarbie. She was a trending topic because people were saying that she was extremely unattractive. The poor girl couldn't take any more of this so she ended up deleting her twitter.

I've recently received information that the real girl was actually named 06starbarbie, but she got her pictures taken and someone posed as her. After they posed as her, they started picking on everyone until she became the number one trending topic on Twitter. The real 05starbarbie started arguing with the fake 06starbarbie until she couldn't take it anymore. Here's how I guess it happened.

(05starbarbie was getting into a 'Yo Mama" fight with 06starbarbie, an imposter)

05starbarbie: Yo mama lips is so chapped, chap-stick had to make a spray.

06starbarbie: Yo mama is so fat when she told me her weight i thought it was her fone #.

05starbarbie: Yo mama teeth so yellow, her tonsils got sunburned.

06starbarbie: Yo mama so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

05starbarbie: Yo mama is so fat, when i put her on the family tree, the branch broke.

06starbarbie: Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix a vcr.

05starbarbie: Yo mama is so fat, her measurements are 36 24 36 and thats only her left leg.

06starbarbie: Yo mama is so stupid, she locked her keys in her motorcycle.

05starbarbie: Yo mama house so small, we ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside.

06starbarbie: Yo mama is so nasty she has to pour salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

05starbarbie: Yo mama is bald her braids look like stitches.

06starbarbie: Yo mama is so skinny, she has to run around the shower to get wet.

05starbarbie: Well your ugly.

06starbarbie: Omg! I wanna die!

OK maybe it didn't happen like that. But all I'm saying is, its really messed up how society works. If you don't look a certain way, people will have something negative to say. They don't get a chance to be judged by their personality or their actions. The beautiful ones will always win. That's the world we live in. No matter how shallow that simple fact is.

Two Fingers and a ...."Shut the fuck up, I have money!"

Screw You Apple!

The iPod is arguably the best invention known to man. (Well I guess the computer is, because the iPod would be shit without a computer.) Rephrase: The iPod and the computer are the best inventions known to man. But there is one thing that pisses me off about the iPod. THEY KEEP MAKING IT BETTER AND BETTER AT A LOWER COST THEN BEFORE!

When I got my iPod it was valued at $249.00. The very next year, the same iPod i have is now worth $199.99 and they have an even better one thats $249.00. Bastards. Its like Steve Jobs sits in his office and decides many ways to piss off his consumers. Here's how I think that scenario might have worked out.

Steve Jobs in his office brainstorming ideas to his chief executive Robert Clinton.

Robert: The iPod and iPhone are doing well sir. We've sold 100,000 yesterday.

Steve: I got an idea Rob. How about we design features that cost more then the features we use on the previous model and sell it at a lower price.

Robert: My God, your a genius sir.

Steve: And lets increase the song capacity and add a projection screen that can play feature length movies like a movie theatre. And lets add a built in pouch for hand sanitizer.

Robert: Sir, isn't this a bit much?

Steve: Shut the fuck up, I have money!

Ok, maybe it wouldn't go like that, but you get the picture. I'm scared to buy a new iPod because its just going to be obsolete technology in 10 more months. I mean damn, I've only had a DVD player for 7 years and out comes the Blu-Ray player that plays movies clearer and louder like you were suppose to see it. Well thats the same shit they said when the DVD player first came out. Technology is improving faster then the average person's income, yet we all have this shit.

When the plasma T.V. first came out, it was $6,000.00 . And the plasma cost half of that. Three years later, the price is split in half and now in LCD format, so therefore you don't have to spend $3,000 every five years. Sucks for you people who bought it first!

Here's a list of things you should never buy when they first come out composed by myself and Mr. Steve Jobs.

• High Definiton T.V.
• DVD Player
• Playstation 3
• iPod Touch
• LapTop
• Blue-Ray Player
• Lotion
• Condoms
• Hot Cheetos
• Deoderant
• Condoms.

Me: Anything else you wanna add Mr. Jobs?

Steve Jobs: Shut the fuck up, I have money!

Well thats all that's on my mind today folks.

Two Fingers and a fruit roll up.

What's the Deal with Music Videos?

Music videos have come a long way. I remember the first music video I saw was Michael Jackson's Bad. That's when videos were simple. A music video consisted of One setting, one outfit and had no plot. Now music videos are telling a story, as if the song isn't telling it well enough. And the story the song tells you is different from the video usually.

Lets take Lady GaGa's new video, Bad Romance. The song is about a girl who doesn't care about the repercussions of love. She wants the good, the bad and the ugly of the relationship. But in the video she's being sold to the Russian Mob and used for sex. This doesn't even go with the song description. THIS undoubtedly proves that the song is just used to move the story along.

That's like me having a song about, IDK, Boogie Nights. And the video has nothing to do with it. Here's a scenario of how that just might happen.

Me and Jones Gale, my video director, are talking about the treatment for my video.

Me: I want to have giant chimpanzee's hanging off of a disco ball, while I throw banana peels at them. And I want that to be interpolated by me on a roof jumping into a swimming pool.

Jones Gale: The swimming pool should be died green for effect.

Me: Yes! And I get a call from the Law Offices of Harry Carltin Thaynes, and he request that I save a girl from sudden damnation. So I get atop my motorcycle and rush to the courtyard. While there, I see a group of thugs. After reasoning with them, we bust out in a full choreographed dance scene.

Jones Gale: But its a slow song.

Me: Shut the fuck up, I have money!

Ok, so maybe it wouldn't go like that. But you guys see what I mean. Look at Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” video. As big as that video was, WHAT THE HELL DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH THE SONG? She’s telling a story in the song about her breaking up with her boyfriend and how she’s going clubbing, but the video is just her and two other girls dancing. Here’s how I suspect the idea came about.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were laying in bed, when she received a brilliant idea.

Beyoncé: I have an idea for "Single Ladies" Jay!

Jay-Z: What B?

Beyoncé: I want to dance with two girls with a white background, black leotards and a metal glove.

Jay-Z: What's that have to do with the song?

Beyoncé: Shut the fuck up, I have money!

What I'm basically saying is, videos are just a way to get attention to the artist and the album. They no longer interpret the song nor its meaning. But we don't care. We just want something flashy and face paced because our attention spans are so shot that we can only take so much of one thing at one time. Wait, I'm rambling. I'll save that or another day.

Two Fingers and Omarion's fading career.

Stop Listening to Leaked Songs!

Nothing bugs me more then when people listen to a leaked song and like it over the final version. I don't understand. You were never meant to hear the demo version, but yet you prefer a cheap rendition of the future hit to come. No wonder the music industry is failing.

Lady GaGa is definitely under a lot of pressure from people listening to her demo's which came out almost a month before the final song was released. But who can blame them. Lady GaGa has changed the music scene. Our attention spans are so short that all we want is a quick beat with lyrics you don't have to comprehend. And Lady GaGa does it so effortlessly. Here's a scenario of how I think she works in the studio.

Lady GaGa is in in the studio with RedOne writing new music.

Lady GaGa: RedOne! What rhymes with pix.

RedOne: If I tell you, can I get a writing credit even though I didn't do shit but recycle a beat that I used on your first album, The New Kids On The Block album, Usher's new single and Kat Deluna?

Lady GaGa: Yes.

RedOne: Uh... Um... Well... Wait, I've got it. NetFlix

Lady GaGa: Your a fucking genius. "BlockBuster and NetFlix, I like taking pix of chicks."

RedOne: GaGa, where do you get this awesome shit from?

Lady GaGa: God.

OK, maybe it doesn't happen like that. Maybe it happens like this.

Lady GaGa is in the studio with RedOne writing new music.

Lady GaGa: Pass the cocaine, I think I have a... what the hell are those things called.

RedOne: STD?

Lady GaGa: I said that yesterday. No, it's one of those things where your brain is making up stuff.

RedOne: Hallucinogens. Mirages?

Lady GaGa: What are we talking about?

RedOne: I think we were talking about Mirages.

Lady GaGa: I should write a song about that. RedOne your a genius.

Yeah, I'm more than positive that it happens that way.

But seriously, I'd be pissed off if something I worked on for a good...IDK... three months gets leaked before its times. I mean you guys are basically listening to a premature baby. And a premature baby isn't the best the baby could possibly be. And I know we're all excited because we can't wait to see the new baby, but we have to realize its better for the baby's health if we wait until its due date.

Wow, I'm a fucking miracle. I compared a song to a premature baby. And I'd rather listen to a bootleg copy of a song then a damn baby cry.

Anyway I have to go do some coke with Lady GaGa and RedOne.

Two fingers and a Lesbians Nipple.

People Talk Way To Much!

Have you ever had a friend who talks entirely too much? I mean like they talk all the time and you don't even have to respond for them to continue. I have one of those friends. Let me give you a scenario to show you my point.

(Names changed so I won't get sued)

Calvin: Do you remember Courtney?

Me: No, I don't think so.

Calvin: You remember Courtney, she went out with Rob.

Me: No, not ringing a bell

Calvin: She and him had a baby. They posted pictures all over Facebook. A whole bunch of people commented on it saying how cute the baby is. I know you know her.

Me: I remember Rob, but I don't recall Courtney.

Calvin: I can't believe you forgot about Courtney. OH MY GOD! She use to wear brown shoes with a green vest like once a week. And people would make fun of her. She got into a fight and got arrested.

Me: Oh, you mean THAT Courtney. What about her.

Calvin: I saw her at the mall.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!

I sat there and waited an hour and a half just to hear someone tell me how they saw her at the mall????

Are you kidding me. I mean, after you beat the fucking girl in my head for a good five minutes, I find out later that all you did was see her somewhere. OK, I'd be all right if you like, said a couple of words to her. Or maybe saw her get robbed or raped. But you saw her walking.

Thanks.

I can officially die now.

OK maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But sometimes I feel like people have way to much to say. And while they're talking, they're not really saying anything at all.

(By the way: I'm practicing with my They're, Their and There phrases)

But i mean seriously. DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE HEARING YOURSELVES TALK?

Gosh, I need some people to actually check this blog. Why am I writing here in the first place. No one is going to ever read it. I won't become the next new blogger. Or the straight Perez Hilton. But hey, if I just get one reader I will be completely satisfied. And hopefully someone I don't know. Because if I know them, they'd probably kill me for dishing out their dirt. But I figured that there is just no better way to do it. But like....Oh shit, I'm rambling. That's what i call irony. Or (eyeronnie) but uh. Maybe I'm using irony wrong. Screw you, I have the internet.

Anyway, I better wrap this up. I'm done. I'm outtie BITCH!

Two Fingers and a Disco Stick